My bedroom floor

I cried until it was a carpet of soggy, snotty tissues
And breathed the silent, earthquake sobs.

I screamed to crack the quiet.
And prayed. But there was no miracle.

So I read. And consumed the words without digestion for something to fill my mind.

Now I cannot pause.
If even for a moment my mind was not occupied this vicious loneliness
would pour in and consume me.

And the floor would overflow, smothering me in my own used tears.
And the shaking sobs would separate my body.

I survive.
But surviving is far from living the marvelous life I was intended.

Once, I knew how to really live.
But the sorrow attacked my mind and ate away the knowledge.
I must re-learn how to be alive.
Until the lessons, I can only survive.

Block.

I misplaced my words
they were right there! At the corner
bold and deliberate.

So, either they have been
abducted
or they ran away of their own accord,
afraid of the future I'd planned for them.

I fear that they have run, for there
is no evidence of foul-play
or demand of ransom which would be typical

Perhaps it's for the better.
It may have been a waste; too perfect
in poetry can repulse and strip away that color

If you find my words- those perfect
phrases that may pop into your head
or dibble from your lips
and you just know they couldn't come from you

please care for them, but you
need not return them to me, because
they chose to leave
and I am not one to force my words.

but, if you can recall the phrase
they formed themselves into
I am curious on how they arranged
and what the finished product was.

Not that I wouldn't have loved them dearly,
but there are others.
I have an endless supply,
it just the distribution schedule which troubles me.

When we fight.

It started in the clouds
with tiny cottages
sometimes far-off huts or mansions
and as we grew
the dwellings became smaller, more compact

I was warned and
You were warned
and still we did not surrender
but held eachother more fiercely

Sometimes I cannot see the cracks,
only the bright house we've painted over our conversations
Initially, any clouds would make walls fall out
and the floors erupt
I would cry, and you would scream

And now it only seems that sometimes our hopes,
strung along the banister untwist
themselves
and must be re-tied
perhaps in different places

Or other times, one of us re-paints the walls
without consent
and the other clings to a bare patch,
although it looks ridiculous,
begging that it remain untouched

But the house no longer self-destructs and I feel safe to move in

I won't apologize, and I am not sorry
not for tears, not for the remodeling
No argument would I replace.
Leave your loud words floating in the air
Don't replace the missing steps.

No one promised ease, they guaranteed the other.
A move-in ready bungalow
won't equal what I've learned
when the door flew off
or the roof floated away

That night, after blaming eachother
we slept under the stars
and contemplated how to secure another.
The new roof is heavier
and no matter how strong a wind blows
it doesn't move

Our secret smiles and the softer kisses
only evolved from repairing the broken windows.
which took days
and made the neighbors question our sanity

I don't mind if we've dreamed a 'fixer-upper'
Or even if we damage it once-in-a-while
As long as we keep repairing every time.

We mutually imagined that we would buy our home,
instead, we're paying more
and building it from stratch.
It's unique, sometimes ideal and completely our own.

The award

yes, i've heard you
but always with assistants
could it just be enough
could it just be Alone?

you said it tonight
followed by a screaming crowd
please, just let it stand
it's so strong, so real when it's Alone

won't ask again
a silent resolution
for me.
for me Alone.

i said as clearly as i could
even said the very words
hope you didn't listen
if nothing changed...
it's better that you didn't hear

i've heard you say it
i've only ever heard it said
then followed with assistants
i wish it were left Alone

wouldn't re-word
not further explain
just leave a silence
so i don't question if you heard

have you listened to my life?
glanced at any activity or action?
bustling in requests of approval

a grin just slapped me
a little more free
wasted so much in waiting
to see
to really believe

for it to be Alone
no more assistants,
the sentence full of only words

tried to really listen
and fell asleep to many voices
awarding me the words
followed by no assistants
which made me absolutely believe

now...
i'm doing it for me.

Alone.